well, its done. I told her its over. I don't feel any better but I don't feel any worse. that's a good thing I'm hoping. I told her via text and I don't feel bad about it. prob because shes broken up with me twice over text and never in person. why give her the privilege.
she just texted me back, do I read it? part of me is like "yes throw ur self at the phone and ask for forgiveness" then the other part is like.... "just delete it"
and so I shall read it.
she said that she still was planning on talking to me about it tomorrow. I said no. I guess thats it. maybe things will get better now. I wish it was just as simple as saying no lol.
lots of love
Saturday, February 19, 2011
can you feel it?
yeah, today was pretty fun. it was also just complete shit.
first the good part: I spent all day with my sister watching HP. lovely. I also worked on some hemp jewelry and had a good time. I ate waaaaay too much and still feel like shit sooo won't be doing that again.
the bad part: she hasn't talked to me at all. that might be because we got into a fight last night that was pretty bad. I was calm- totally pissed- but composed. I told her I wasn't going to give her anything anymore because she won't give me her time- reasonable right? I make her things, give her my full attention, treat her like royalty- and she blows me off. so its been decided that it won't happen again. I also told her not to talk to me... which might be why she isn't talking to me... who knows, it might just be some rebellion I'm unaware of. she does that a lot. I don't care too much. I mean, honestly I care a lot, but I don't want to, so I'm forcing myself to let it go. we will all float on. I just want to say IM DONE but I can't because I'm stupid. sooooo should I flush this friendship for sure or should I try to save it? I'm thinking I'm going to end it. she has other people, and, as hard as it is to think it, so do I. I have a lot of people. I just have to reach out, I know they'll pull me up. I love them all :)
its raining. thats not so scary, until you think that I'm in the high Rockies. it should be snowing.
lots of love.
first the good part: I spent all day with my sister watching HP. lovely. I also worked on some hemp jewelry and had a good time. I ate waaaaay too much and still feel like shit sooo won't be doing that again.
the bad part: she hasn't talked to me at all. that might be because we got into a fight last night that was pretty bad. I was calm- totally pissed- but composed. I told her I wasn't going to give her anything anymore because she won't give me her time- reasonable right? I make her things, give her my full attention, treat her like royalty- and she blows me off. so its been decided that it won't happen again. I also told her not to talk to me... which might be why she isn't talking to me... who knows, it might just be some rebellion I'm unaware of. she does that a lot. I don't care too much. I mean, honestly I care a lot, but I don't want to, so I'm forcing myself to let it go. we will all float on. I just want to say IM DONE but I can't because I'm stupid. sooooo should I flush this friendship for sure or should I try to save it? I'm thinking I'm going to end it. she has other people, and, as hard as it is to think it, so do I. I have a lot of people. I just have to reach out, I know they'll pull me up. I love them all :)
its raining. thats not so scary, until you think that I'm in the high Rockies. it should be snowing.
lots of love.
Friday, February 18, 2011
just talking
I hate how my meds aren't working right now. I have that upset feeling in the pit of my stomach. I was hoping I'd never have to feel it again honestly. the meds did keep me from crying the other day though which was odd to say the least. I'm not used to being that in control of my emotions.
on an unrelated note my phone background is of the hippo house from the zoo in Colorado Springs and if you didn't know that you'd just think it was an ugly house... and wonder why I had a picture of an ugly house as my background.
I love Florence and the machine. sooo soo much.
so much for venting, I'm passive now. time to look up some more stuff to doooo
on an unrelated note my phone background is of the hippo house from the zoo in Colorado Springs and if you didn't know that you'd just think it was an ugly house... and wonder why I had a picture of an ugly house as my background.
I love Florence and the machine. sooo soo much.
so much for venting, I'm passive now. time to look up some more stuff to doooo
stressed o-u-t
well, today has kind of just sucked... Shes not talking to me at all and that is a sure sign that she's with him. guess I'm too much of a buzz kill to talk to when she's out on a date. Can't blame her though.
I wish things were alright between her and I but I've come to the conclusion that I honestly don't think I'd be able to handle things going back to the way they were. I've got to the point where I can't see her the same way, they say love makes you tolerant, I think it must have really done some sort of magic because I can't stand her now. I still find myself wanting to be around her all the time though. it bothers me. I don't want to be withing 100 miles of her yet she pops up and I'm suddenly right next to her, smiling, laughing, enjoying myself. I don't think its ok to do that anymore. I'm going to try and change it. She's made it clear she has time for him, not me, so why should I make myself available to her?
I did manage to get to town with my sister, she made me drive so I got more time in. I still hate merging. We ran to walmart and got some food for her kids, I got 2 coffee cups that I liked the shape of, they're covered in ugly hearts though. Hopefully I can think of some way of reinventing them. Modge Podge has never failed me before.
We also ran by the store Bead Song so I could find some center pieces for the hemp jewelry I've been making. I ended up getting a few beads but only enough to make 2 chokers.
We then ran by Mc D's to get my mom some food. the man there was very nice however he thought I was also a man and called me "Sir" it made me laugh. I don't mind being gender queer. I think we should all do it at least once in a while.
I'm making some hemp barefoot sandals right now, nothing fancy, not even any beads. I love the way they look.
I'm thinking about reading back through some of the books I love. I need a pick me up right now. I love the way reading can change everything. for a moment you don't matter or even exist in the grand plot of things.
I wish things were alright between her and I but I've come to the conclusion that I honestly don't think I'd be able to handle things going back to the way they were. I've got to the point where I can't see her the same way, they say love makes you tolerant, I think it must have really done some sort of magic because I can't stand her now. I still find myself wanting to be around her all the time though. it bothers me. I don't want to be withing 100 miles of her yet she pops up and I'm suddenly right next to her, smiling, laughing, enjoying myself. I don't think its ok to do that anymore. I'm going to try and change it. She's made it clear she has time for him, not me, so why should I make myself available to her?
I did manage to get to town with my sister, she made me drive so I got more time in. I still hate merging. We ran to walmart and got some food for her kids, I got 2 coffee cups that I liked the shape of, they're covered in ugly hearts though. Hopefully I can think of some way of reinventing them. Modge Podge has never failed me before.
We also ran by the store Bead Song so I could find some center pieces for the hemp jewelry I've been making. I ended up getting a few beads but only enough to make 2 chokers.
We then ran by Mc D's to get my mom some food. the man there was very nice however he thought I was also a man and called me "Sir" it made me laugh. I don't mind being gender queer. I think we should all do it at least once in a while.
I'm making some hemp barefoot sandals right now, nothing fancy, not even any beads. I love the way they look.
I'm thinking about reading back through some of the books I love. I need a pick me up right now. I love the way reading can change everything. for a moment you don't matter or even exist in the grand plot of things.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
long day
Long day. 1st we'll talk about the fact that its only Thursday and I honestly don't know what I'm going to do with myself until tuesday, feels like spring break came WAY too early.
then there was the phone call that turned into a fight. I was honest though. Some times you just have to say it and I did. I don't want to end up emotionally crushed by my best friend. I think her decision is stupid but there isn't anything I can do, some things have to be learned first hand. Hes a man slut, I know she doesn't want to accept that but he's proven to be exactly the same as the guys she hates. He won't be good for her, but like I said before thats for her to learn.
I've spent the rest of the day making hemp bracelets and day dreaming about selling them. It'll never happen. they're still fun to make though so I'll keep making them.
Thinking I might work on writing a story this weekend, it wont happen but again, its fun so I'll keep working on it.
then there was the phone call that turned into a fight. I was honest though. Some times you just have to say it and I did. I don't want to end up emotionally crushed by my best friend. I think her decision is stupid but there isn't anything I can do, some things have to be learned first hand. Hes a man slut, I know she doesn't want to accept that but he's proven to be exactly the same as the guys she hates. He won't be good for her, but like I said before thats for her to learn.
I've spent the rest of the day making hemp bracelets and day dreaming about selling them. It'll never happen. they're still fun to make though so I'll keep making them.
Thinking I might work on writing a story this weekend, it wont happen but again, its fun so I'll keep working on it.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
hello
I've decided that I'm going to try and keep a blog. The idea being that I will actually keep up and follow through with something. I am very bad at that. Hope things work out well.
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